Things I Keep Inside

There are times I write because I need to and if you're not a writer, then you won't understand that. You may run because you need to; or shop because you need to; or eat that pan of brownies because you need to... okay, so we can all fall into more than one category on that one. Running? Not guilty. Everything else? Yes, yes, and yes. At any rate, there are times when I am so burdened, the only way out is to write. Yes, I keep a journal hidden by my bed, but that journal (spoiler alert!) is mostly empty. I don't know why I put things out there the way I do. I know I'm nothing special. I know it's not all about me. But I do know that I'm not alone in the things I struggle with. I'm a Christian, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom, a friend, a lover of cats. Shoot. If all that isn't enough ammunition for trouble then I don't know what would be. You don't know how many times I have written things here only to delete it as soon as the whole thing is close enough to grammatically perfect as it can be.

What will people think? My mom will worry. They'll really figure out I'm crazy.

Yeah... well, whatever (to use a grossly overused word of the last decade).

So, I guess I share because I know I'm not alone. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can lie and say that you don't. Maybe you're a twenty-five year gigolo from Singapore who has no idea how he ended up on this website (bad example, I know). Whatever your thoughts, please know that I'm not looking for advice or sympathy or a number for the therapist who did wonders for your sister in-law.

I'm just being me.

And this is how I feel today.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

I am overwhelmed.

My heart aches. It is too much to bear.

I am overwhelmed.

There's a physical pressure bearing down on me. If I sit still, my heart heaves up the sobs from within. If I move around, things get done but they're done in a fog. I'm really not sure what room I'm cleaning or why I'm there. I prepare a feast just to know that I've done something worthwhile.

We are drowning, the husband and I. Love does not conquer all; it certainly does not pay the bills. It does endure, however... that it does. We may be sinking, but we sink as one. There's a tragic Titanic-laced reference in that, I'm sure. We huddle together as the flood rushes in.

He looked at me today and simply said, "I wish we could just go back to what was normal." Then he dipped his head and kept the tears at bay. I know what he means. Five- no, six years ago, our lives were normal. He had his career; I had mine. We had the little white house minus the picket fence. Our biggest financial worry was a forty-thousand dollar mortgage.

And that's enough personal information.

Are we alone? Of course not. I stood at my dining room window today and looked out over a barren, January-drab landscape and told the Lord it was too much to bear. I wondered how many other haggard women and weary men and young people and old people have spoken those same words today. I wonder how many have simply given up.

The sun will surely rise tomorrow. Even now, a faint whisper of a flame struggles to break free of the smothering blanket that has rested upon my stubborn spirit this eighth day of January. This is why I write. And this why I prefaced this rather depressing glimpse into my life the way I did. It's not for everyone, but it is for someone. I'll hang in there if you will. The Lord tied that knot in the rope just for people like us. I have resolved to hang onto that knot until He pulls us out of this mess, but that doesn't mean I won't cry while I write sometimes.

Or eat brownies.



Hey... we all have our ways of dealing with life, remember?

Obituary Of A Laptop

It's been six months since my laptop was put out of commission due to an uncooperative power button, a sincere attempt to fix it that only made things worse, and lots of....  well, I'm gonna stop right there. No need going to into all the statements that have been made to look at it or fix it or get the parts ordered. If you read my last post, then you know that we, as a family, are getting along uncommonly well. I'll spare the names and promises to prolong the peace and good humor that currently exists in my home.

However.

If I had known that my beloved laptop would still be collecting dust while taking up space behind my bedroom door, I would have gladly paid the questionable computer-fixer-guy at the flea market his requested one hundred and twenty-five bucks to fix the darn thing back in July.

Then again, it is only a laptop. Maybe I shouldn't place so much stock in the crazy gadget. I mean, it's only holding prisoner a resume or two, pictures, family fun stuff, essays, power points, and a working version of Microsoft Office. It's really not important to anyone but me. Surely my patience should be greater.

I used to think things like When I start getting a regular paycheck, I will buy a couple of new pillows and some rugs for the kitchen and maybe some jeans for the kids and definitely stock up that freezer.

Now I think to myself,

When I start getting a regular paycheck,
IF we haven't had our internet service terminated,
And the lights and water are still connected,
Assuming the refrigerator still contains a gallon or two of milk...
THEN I will have that blasted laptop fixed.

And everyone said, Amen.

My Thoughts On The Election, Steam Mops, and Those Eggs That Didn't Hatch

The Election.

Sheesh. Can I just say I'm glad it's over? My candidate of choice did not make it to the Oval Office and I have grave concerns about the man who currently sits in that seat, but... well, assuming all went according to design in terms of our electoral process, this is a democracy in which we live. I remember thinking Bill Clinton would usher in the end of the world with his second term. Granted, the current guy makes Bill Clinton look good to me, but hey... life and arguments and unemployment shall continue on.

Steam Mops.

There is something therapeutic about the steam of a plugged-in mop. Vacuuming and cleaning in general can help clear my mind, but when a dirty hardwood floor falls prey to steam and a good squirt of OrangeGLO for Hardwood Floors... well, let me just say that I feel rather accomplished right now. Oh, I know by the time the kids roll in and supper is finished and the nightly snack is consumed those floors will have lost the gleaming luster they hold at the moment, but for now, I am at peace.

Those Eggs That Didn't Hatch.

If you're lost on this one, back up to the last post (it had to do with cake, I believe). Whatever eggs I heard crackin' were not meant for me. I shut down on life-as-I-know-it for a good twenty-four hours, I guess. Even big girls need time to recover. Like the husband said, though, I'll do what I always do: Get Back Up. Probably the only ones who have a clue what the husband and I are going through (in terms of finances) are my parents and if they say I'll be all right, well then, I will be all right. Between them and God Almighty Himself, this thing can only end on a positive note.



Even another term of Barack Obama can't change that.

Not My Plan

(This post was originally written yesterday morning and saved as a draft

 so I could have time to think... never a bad idea on my part.)

Last night I lay in bed and contemplated giving it all up. Packing it in. Enough's enough. I am tired of opportunity ringing and doors slamming shut. It seems like I catch a glimpse of something that looks promising only to get smacked in the face with the sharp sting of reality.

Such is life.

This morning I decided I needed coffee first. I cannot seriously ponder the slow demise of my dreams on zero caffeine. Now, one cup later, I am forcing myself to take stock of what I do have. I'd go down the list, but it wouldn't be anything that we all wouldn't recognize. We know we've got it good.

As for me, I'll snap out of it. My heart knows this particular ache of disappointment well. Thank God my spirit knows the promise of hope. You want to know the irony of all this? My husband is officially back on a payroll. That's right. One year and exactly one day after learning he no longer had a steady paycheck, he now does.

And you're thinking,
Is this woman ever happy?
Yeah. Even I don't get me.

Except if it helps make sense of all this nonsense, then let me say this,

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. (from Isaiah 55).

Okay. So technically I didn't say that, but you get the idea. I thought I was working it out, but once again, He proved to me that I am not the one in charge here. I suppose when you look at it that way, I am in pretty good hands. That helps ease my hurt ego.

Sheesh. One of these days I am going to learn to keep my apron on and stop chasing after jobs nine hundred miles away. Home for me will always be where my mom is, but home for my family will always be where I am. Such is the role of the mother.

I'm gonna go do some housework.
Maybe bake something. Definitely more coffee.
There is reason to celebrate. Enough gloom, right?

It never was my plan to begin with.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So that was yesterday. This is today. I was much too busy for my pity party to continue. Besides, my daughter accused me of being selfish. Whatever. I made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and tackled laundry. The husband hugged me and said he appreciates everything I do.

Flattery is a welcome thing around here.

OMG!!! You're Not Going To Believe This!!!

And so it would seem that I have to yet another fork in the road.  I'm asking all you prayer warriors out there to pray for direction and the way the Lord would lead.

I wrote the above words on Saturday as a facebook status. I kind of go in phases with facebook; sometimes I update a lot, sometimes I update hardly ever. I’m not the kind of status person that hopes to get a zillion and one comments wondering if I am okay.

Example:

If that ever happens again, I think I might die!!!

Great news today!!!

OMG!!! You’ll never guess what’s going on!!!

And so forth and on and on. If you’re not on facebook, you have no idea what I am talking about. If you are a frequent flyer, than you know all too well (and sorry in advance if one of the above is your most recent post. I promise I have not even been on there yet today except to copy and paste the opening statement, but... I do confess to shamelessly using the title of this post to grab your attention).

Anyway.

There are times when I reach out in the few ways I know how for some extra support. I’ve been struggling with some stuff… you name it… job searches, money woes, and general why am I even here type stuff. Depending on what day you catch me, I might be full of hope and cleaning supplies or full of despair and used kleenexes.

I came to that fork in the road last week. It was as clear before me just as if I was standing in the middle of a backwoods dusty road. I needed to make a decision or my indecision was going to drown me standing up. You ever been there? It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I would rather be moving in a solid direction than willingly give into the quicksand that threatens to squeeze the life out of me.

So I asked for prayer. I prayed. God moved. Well, technically, He moved me. No lightning bolts. No thunderous voice. Just a gentle, gentle push in my spirit that said, “This way.” So that way I went. I still don’t have a clue what lies along this way. Maybe it’s about a job. Maybe it’s about obedience. Maybe it’s about being prepared. I just hope it includes some kind of income.

Hey, I’m about as real as you can get.

After making my beginning steps this morning, I sat down to again search the scriptures. I wanted to find something that expressed how I am feeling; to be assured that I am not the only one with these up-and-down emotions. This chapter about said it all. I especially like how it came from David when he was hiding out in a cave.

Jesus. Son of David. Have mercy on me.

Psalm 142 Amplified Bible

A skillful song, or a didactic or reflective poem, of David;

 when he was in the cave. A Prayer.

¹ I cry to the Lord with my voice; with my voice to the Lord do I make supplication.

² I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell before Him my trouble.

³ When my spirit was overwhelmed and fainted [throwing all its weight] upon me, then You knew my path. In the way where I walk they have hidden a snare for me.

⁴ Look on the right hand [the point of attack] and see; for there is no man who knows me [to appear for me]. Refuge has failed me and I have no way to flee; no man cares for my life or my welfare.

⁵ I cried to You, O Lord; I said, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.

⁶ Attend to my loud cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I.

⁷ Bring my life out of prison, that I may confess, praise, and give thanks to Your name; the righteous will surround me and crown themselves because of me, for You will deal bountifully with me.

Proverbs 19:21

Just a brief update in case there is that ONE person out there who has been desperately waiting to see how the job interview went, it went GREAT. There were jokes about CONTRACTS and helping me move my STUFF  in and even a grand TOUR of the place.

But.

That stupid, stupid word.

It evidently did not go that well. I got the "thanks, but no thanks" phone call the next day. I cried. The daughter worried. My dad called more than once. It's been a few days. I can talk about it now. Life goes on.

God has a plan.

Many are the plans in a person's heart,
but it is the Lord's PURPOSE that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

²¹ 

Somebody Out There Must Have Prayed...

Cause I have a job interview this afternoon.

It's the first I've had since... since...    I can't even remember.

Keep praying. =)

It's Cryin' Time Again (My Laptop Is Broken)

Things are back to normal around here and I gotta tell you, normal isn't so great. The parents left yesterday morning, the oldest went to work, the middle slept till noon, the youngest broke out her sewing machine, the husband went back to the job search, and I went back to laundry. Well, I take that back (about the normal not being great part)... we're all here and well. I'd say normal is pretty good.

We had the BEST time last week. I think I had a headache from Wednesday through Sunday, but it was well worth it. My mom attributed it to the stress of everything and I suppose she might have been right. It certainly was a whirlwind. I guess that's the end of my SENIOR YEAR posts, at least for another year. I expect the next few years to fly by now as the other two make their way forward. My mom remarked that I now only have kids in high school. Sheesh. Now that's hard to believe.

The oldest was surprised by what all he received as graduation gifts. When he thanked his great-grandma, he said, "I think I should graduate every year." Ha! I've got a stack of thank you cards for him to write and informed him last night that there would be no weekend plans until they were finished. He gladly replied, "Not a problem." I was surprised by a few graduation gifts sent my way as well. It's always good to feel loved.

And so life goes on. The middle goes camping with his youth group next week and the youngest was invited to spend a week at the beach with one of her BFFs. I've got a couple of teaching applications in place that I'm hoping to hear something on and just found out yesterday that I'll begin training as a volunteer docent (fancy word for tour guide) at our local history museum. At this point, anything would be a good start. Even the husband has expanded his job search to a two-hour radius from where we live. I don't blame him one bit. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

The point of too much personal information?

If you're a praying person, PRAY.
If you're a positive thinking person, THINK POSITIVELY.

And if you know how to fix an almost three-year old Gateway laptop in which the power button (built in to the hinged part) has went kaput, feel free to let me know.

Oh, and if your mom lives close by, go give her a hug.

 I miss mine already. =)

Chocolate Perks Me Up (with a postscript added)

Clear across the country at this very moment a ceremony is taking place. If I were there, I would be wearing a black cap and gown, a cream-colored tassel for my degree program, and a gold honor cord representing my grade point average. Instead of all that (which I would totally love), I am wearing my standard white t-shirt, stretchy pants, and random pieces of lint courtesy of the dryer. I've been fighting the pity-party invitation all day and I gotta admit, grocery shopping and laundry piles don't do much to ward off such a formidable foe.

Ho-hum.

To make myself feel better, I've done a few random job searches and verified with my university that my transcript now confirms the completed degree. I should feel pretty good, right? I do and I'm happy and all that... I am just ready for something to give. The husband is having a down day himself, looking at job sites, looking out the window, looking for anything. If we don't perk ourselves up by the time the kids get home, they are gonna be in for one depressing night. We've kept busy all week working out in the yard and sprucing up everything. I guess we've officially run out of steam.

I think I'll go bake myself a cake.

Chocolate. Hershey's Chocolate.

We'll turn this day around yet.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two Hours Later.

Pssst! The cake did the trick! Is that bad? I mean, Jesus makes me happy, the cat makes me happy, writing makes me happy... but chocolate? Oh, good grief, that practically makes me deliriously happy (okay, slight exaggeration on my part). The crazy thing is that I haven't even eaten any of it yet.

The husband went to get the kids from school and they all walked in to find me licking the frosting spoon. I got teased about my apron, teased about my lack of kitchen etiquette (as in the licking part), but did I ever have a captive audience! I am satisfied enough right now to sit down with a cup of coffee while two out of three kids are enjoying their own slice of cocoa-dusted heaven.

Miracles never cease.

Melting In The Rain

What a dreadfully dreary fog-filled-no-sunshine-present kind of gloomy day. Good grief. The forecasted high today was something like 69; tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and 72. At this rate, though, we'll be lucky if we break the 50-degree mark. Hope that isn't a sign of things to come with tomorrow's weather... and after a rainy weekend, too. If this keeps up, this girl is going to be having some serious weather-related issues. I need sunshine. Literally. Since my husband has been home these last six months (sheesh!) he has found me on more than one occasion sitting on the front porch steps in the afternoon. What are you doing? he'll ask (even though he can plainly see me surrounded by school papers and a laptop and the ever-present cup of coffee). Sittin' in the sunshine, I'll tell him. He'll give me that look that says he doesn't quite understand the way I think and then go about his business. Can you relate, though? Sunshine puts me at ease. Even on a tremendously hot day I've been known to escape the a/c for even a brief, five minutes of sun. It just makes me feel better.

Speaking of an unemployed husband of six months, I learned a term today for him in my economics class. Discouraged worker. Really? See what twenty-thousand in student loans will do for ya? Sheesh. (And yes, I do think that will be the word of the day). A discouraged worker is an unemployed worker when after six months of searching for employment becomes discouraged and thinks there is no job out them for him or her. Granted, I think he hit that after the fourth month, but hey... let's not argue with the textbook. My point in that process was probably after the first month, a dozen resumes, and an equal amount of no thank-you's. Lucky for me, though, I hit the numb part after the first year and now experience nothing more than the occasional,  paralyzing, horrific feeling of panic that sets in every time I look at the calendar and count back to that fateful day of July 3, 2009. Ain't life grand?

My computer is also giving me fits. Logging into facebook is something of a one-in-ten chance it will happen (not that big of deal) and receiving up-to-date email is sort of a challenge (could be a big deal). I have broken pages, slow pages, not going anywhere pages... you get the idea. Even Pandora is not cooperating with me. I was talking to the computer earlier this morning and when Pandora refused to let me skip a Christmas song I said, Fine. I'll just turn on the radio. Pandora did not respond to my strongly-worded threat so I shut it down and flipped on the radio. Commercial after commercial after commercial. Maybe it's time for me to invest in one of those funky i-pods my kids keep raving about. I could fill it with the likes of George Jones and Waylon Jennings and Barbara Mandrell (that would ensure the kids, or the husband, from ever wanting to borrow it, you see). Gotta plan things ahead around here.

I'm done with football (the Superbowl no longer interests me). I'm done with opinions regarding who somebody plans on voting for (just place your vote and move on with life). I'm done with ridiculously weak coffee (I do not recommend Wolfgang Puck's Breakfast in Bed Blend... thank goodness it was a sample pack). And lucky for you, my dear reader, I am done with this post.

Oh, and for the record, I am in no way depressed.
Just a little weary of the weather and moody technology.

Sheesh.

Putting The Merry Back In Christmas

The following was a post by a local radio station on facebook.

This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of time of the year,

 but for some it is not. What are you doing to truly enjoy the Christmas season?

Well, let's see.

First, I'm being honest about things. Being tight on Christmas funds is nothing new for us, but this year is notably different. I refuse to spend an unemployment check on gifts (besides, seeing as how I just put fifty bucks worth of gasoline in my vehicle and the water bill is due, there wouldn't be a whole lot of fun money left anyway). What we will spend will come out of our savings and, no news flash here, I will not drain that account to appease anybody. Thankfully, I'm in luck. My parents love anything to do with our kids, our kids love anything we give them, and my husband loves me. I can count on one hand the others I have already bought a gift for and the rest of the clan (neighbors, acquaintances, and such) will get some homemade goodies straight from my kitchen.

Second, I am surrounded by Christmas cheer. Remember that post about the husband's new found purpose to decorate? Well, he didn't complete everything he had on that original list, but our home is very festive nonetheless. You can't help but hum a little tune of Jingle Bells when you walk through the front door. Plus, last week I fixed a ham for supper one night and just for kicks pulled out the good china. Nothing says good mood like eating what feels like a fancy dinner on an ordinary week night. Today I used that leftover ham and fixed a soup that my husband deemed grandpa worthy (older-than-dirt family recipe) and let my girl whip up some chocolate-covered pretzels. Nothing says Christmas more than sweet and salty snacks.

Finally, and I guess this is the most obvious, I think about why we have this season anyway. I can never think of Christmas without thinking of Easter and how a baby in a manger ended up a man on a cross. December will come and go, gifts received will eventually become nothing more than memories, and sooner or later we will all have our fill of fudge and frosted cookies. We will continue to pay too much for gas and try to cut back on the water bill and pray the new year brings employment. Life goes on no matter what the holiday may be. Through it all, I am comforted by what I know to be true. He is not a baby in a manger anymore and He is most definitely not a man still on a cross.

He Is My Resurrected Savior.
My Soon-To-Be Coming King.
The Only Reason For The Season.

And in Him I find enjoyment.

My Husband Has Purpose...

and I'm a little scared.

He's decorating for Christmas. You have to understand the severity of this situation. He's never done this before. Now don't get me wrong; he's all for the holiday season. He loves the cookies and fudge and chocolate-covered cherries that typically accompany this time of year. He loves shopping for me and the kids and will even take us for the mandatory drive-around-the-neighborhood-tour of Christmas lights.

The thing is he usually never gets involved with the decorating of the home. That job usually falls to me and the kids and the be brutally honest... just me (and in my lovely daughter's defense before she protests loudly, she decorates her own room, thank you very much). I'm always the one to want to put lights outside and even though I have often asked the man of the house for help, it ends up being just me and the oldest. Decorating is just not the husband's thing. He's got better things to do than to hang tinsel and fight with lights.

Not this year. He is a man on a mission and our house may end up being the next Griswold (think National Lampoon's Christmas movie). We've got blue icicle lights, white icicle lights, blue single strand lights, green garland, a full size tree complete with lights and decorations, a radio playing Christmas music, stockings that are hung, and plans for Mr. and Mrs. Claus chilling in a couple of rocking chairs. AND THIS IS JUST THE FRONT PORCH.

Lord have mercy.
He's not stopping there.

Plans are in the works for a Baby Jesus in a manger with a cross behind Him sitting by the driveway. Next to this he plans to install a sign that reads something like "Dear Mr. President, We Are Still A Christian Nation." He wants a star hanging high in a tree and a river of blinking lights in our (now dry) fountain. He asked me today if I thought I could find pink lights, and I'm not sure why. I asked him (while we hanging lights, of course) why this year was different. He looked at me and simply said, "Nothing else is going right. I might as well go all out."

Bless his heart.
Go all out, Babe.

Just please leave the inside to me. ;)

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

The weather is cold in our neck of the woods today, but like the husband says... cold for us is now any temperature where we can't have the windows open. We've had a fire going most of the day to avoid running the furnace and I'm planning on soup and grilled cheese for supper tonight. It is most definitely a stay-in-kinda-weather day. I think we might pull out some Christmas decorations tonight and if the kids play their cards right, I might treat 'em with some Hershey's hot cocoa.

My three-week visit to the Midwest ended Saturday night when I arrived home to find a very upset cat, a spilled bowl of water that was mixed with litter (some used, some not), and an empty food bowl. Mr. Kitty did not seem to understand that I was not the one who left him in that predicament, but he blamed me just the same. Time heals all wounds, though, and seeing as he is now spread across my feet lazily content, I would say he has forgiven me. Moody cat.

Our job search continues. I am putting in for some substitute work and the husband is drifting back toward law enforcement positions. Between the two of us, we have applied for five jobs in the last 24 hours. Things can get kind of snippy when you have two people who are tired of filling out the same information over and over again. Yesterday was the 19th anniversary of our first date, but I don't think either one of us really cared. We'll celebrate when we get through this.

And get through this, we will.

Thank God for savings.
Thank God for a working fireplace.
Thank God for a happy cat.

Wanted: A Good Job For A Good Man

Once again I find myself sitting across the table from my husband (reminds me of this time not long ago). His pen is poised in mid-air, his brow is wrinkled as he thinks. Every now and then he sighs heavily and looks at me, trying his best to smile. I watch as he tries to think of the right words. I look up stuff on my laptop when he asks. I've made copies of diplomas and discharge papers and social security cards and anything else that might pop up. And all I can think is, Please, Lord. Let this be the one.

Have you guessed it yet?
Another job application.

He's not afraid of anything. The only thing that worries him is his age. Not gettin' any younger, he says. Maybe not, but you sure are getting better, I reply. That makes him smile for real. Is there any man that doesn't want to be the stud-kinda-hero to his wife? He's talking to a friend of his now on the phone. A good guy he wants to use as a reference. He won't write anybody's name down who he doesn't call to let them know. This is probably about the fourth time he's called this particular guy. I can almost hear the questions the other guy is asking.

How ya doing anyway?
Not too bad.
No luck with a job yet?
No, but I'm still looking.
You holding up okay, though?
Heck, yeah. I've lost weight and my blood pressure is down.

That's the truth, too. Since he got out of that cubicle, he's lost a good fifteen pounds or so and may very well be off his blood pressure meds within the next month. He's less stressed, honestly does smile more... just that absence of a steady paycheck that's the kicker.

His phone call is over.
His pen is back in hand.

Hey, honey? Find me Bob's phone number, will ya?

Please, Lord. Let this be the one.

Hanging On

I've got one cat at my feet and another one sitting on my leg. I'm starting to feel a little bit weird... it's like I sit down and they all start to gather. For the sake of my reputation, we will not be getting another cat.

I typically like Mondays, but I gotta say this one was no good. Yesterday went downhill after church and today was spent recovering emotionally. Yeah. It was that bad. Some days are just lousy.

Now we sit here watching some Japanese game show. Monday night entertainment at its finest. I would prefer something chocolate to add to the mix, but settled for marshmallow cereal instead.

The youngest cooked supper (very good).
The middle is playing guitar (not bad).
And the oldest is washing his truck (in the dark).

Meanwhile, the husband and I are just trying to hang on. Remember I said a month or so ago that September would be an interesting month? Well, things are shaping up for that to be the case.

You all pray for our job situation, would ya?

I really, really like our house. =)

Ignoring September

The first day of what I call back to normal is coming to a close as the sun hides behind a rather gray-looking cloud. The oldest rocks his way through whatever game or techno news that's keeping his attention locked on his laptop; the middle is jamming (softly) to his favorite tunes while he bounces back and forth between facebook and his game of choice; and the youngest is behind a closed bedroom door deep in a book that she just started last night. Supper was enjoyed and appreciated and totally consumed by a full table and dishes have been washed, dried, and put away (and not by me!). The husband is on the lawn mower, the dryer is fluffing some towels, and coffee is next on my list. Yep. Things are pretty much back to normal.

Except things are far from normal. We had yet another job loss in our family last week and considering the fact that my husband has been the one with the job... well, it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. God is good, though. A strange peace has pretty much enveloped us since last Wednesday with only a few scattered moments of panic sprinkled in-between. Bills are paid, the cupboards are full, and work has been provided for now. It's anybody's guess what the next few months will bring. I'm predicting September will be an interesting month, but I've been off track before. One thing is for certain, the Lord has a way of always reminding me that's He's the one in charge.

Life goes on. My youngest niece is expecting her first baby to make her arrival within the next twenty-four hours. That will make grandbaby number two for my brother and most likely a lifelong friend for Baby Lily, not to mention a good reason for me to bake cookies tomorrow. It's a strange thing to watch a family grow and transform and begin an entirely new generation. I remember holding these girls when they were babies... the fact that they are now the ones having babies is just crazy. No wonder my grandma's prayer list was so long. Each time a baby was born she would have to add a name to her nightly prayer. Trust me. I witnessed it once before. No one was left out.

Yep. Life goes on. I hear the mower out front trying to beat the rain. My youngest just breezed out her of her room and gave me a passing grin complete with a wrinkled nose. The middle's music just got a little bit louder and the oldest just shot me a smile while plugging in his headphones. I don't know what September might bring, but for now all is right with the world. It's time to go fold the towels and make that cup of coffee.

Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

Laughing While I Wait

For the record, and because I'm feeling especially generous right now, my husband rarely fails in making me feel better. I can have a rough day, be utterly discouraged, and he can brush it all away with a So? Just do it this way. I can be so worked up about things and he can be so laid back about everything. Sometimes it's a good fit and sometimes it drives me crazy; but tonight, it was a very good thing.

It all goes back to me still not having a job and still being in school. I was hoping to finish by this December; it's now looking like it may be to my benefit to finish four months later (in April 2012). On the plus side, I could not be so rushed and push off those student loans a few extra months. I'm obviously not working anywhere anytime soon. On the downside, I really just want to be done. He's got his eye set on a master's for me. Heck, I think he dreams of a doctorate. He really is all about me.

I get so stressed about not working and not bringing in extra income. My heart cried out to the Lord today because I know that I have so much to offer. Do you get that this is not pride here? I know how He has made me. I know when He is smiling on me. I'm telling you people... I love to teach! And write! And talk! Good grief, just give me a classroom with bored stares and heavy sighs. I'll have them singing prepositions and identifying presidents and doing the diagram dance within a matter of weeks. I'm crazy enough to love that stuff.

And yet I wait.
But we were here earlier today.
I promise I won't go back.

My husband. Next to the Lord and my mom and dad, he is my biggest fan. You know, he rarely reads this blog. He just never thinks about it really, but when he does, he always says that same thing. That's really good. A meal hardly ever goes by that he doesn't tell the kids, Boy, your mom can really cook. And most nights when he comes home? The house sure looks nice. Look, I've never claimed to be all about women's rights. I like being a wife. I like being a mom. I find much joy in shiny floors and folded underwear.

Boring? Maybe.
Lonely? Never.
Depressed for long?

Not a chance.

Yep. I had a rough day. Kind of emotional. Up and down. Bills discourage me. Knowing I've been passed over for a job I really wanted? Major bummer. College courses not following my plan only add to my pain. Then again, I could possibly be graduating a month before our oldest graduates high school and I gotta tell you, that kinda made me smile.

I wonder if he'll pose with me in graduation caps?

God has a plan.
My husband makes me laugh.
The kids forgot to do the dishes.

It'll all work out in the end.

So I Wait Some More

How do you handle disappointment?

I tend to cry, pray, and clean. In that order. And I know I should pray first. I'm just telling you, tears come easy to me when no one is looking. So I cry, then I pray. I clean the house. I think outside. And then I have a total meltdown by the washing machine.

The Lord knows me so well. He knows exactly how the whole process will play out. And He knows just when to pat me on the back and tell me everything will be all right. Has He ever let me down? Can't say that He ever has.

The waiting is the hardest part.