Changes

This week has been a reminder that things don't always stay as they should be... Tragedy happens. Young people get sick. Discouraging doctor reports are read.

And change must take place.

After going through a week with other people and their troubles on my mind, I was hit head-on with troubles of my own. I experienced a moment yesterday where other things I have heard people say and other things I have read came to life in a miserable kind of way:

I heard the words, but couldn't wrap my mind around them.

I felt numb.

It felt like they were talking about someone else.

It took a good hour and a half of functioning in the real world just to come home and have a major breakdown in front of the two youngest. Sitting on the hearth of a stone fireplace with the middle beside me and the youngest before me, the reality of the newest change in our life settled in with a resounding thud. 

I spent the rest of the day in-between tears and somewhat in a daze. I prayed, got angry, and walked away. As the sun began to set and reality refused to change, I found myself reaching out to others, determined not to continue to drown in the sea of discouragement. Sleeping soundly, I woke up to the reminder that this new day would not begin like the previous. In fact, no one day would be entirely the same. Challenges are ahead. Pain is sure to lie in wait. My longing to go home will be ever the more stronger.

And yet, for all my anger at the Lord yesterday, His Word never fails. He does not lie. HE does not change. His plan is just simply a whole lot different than mine.

Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43: 18-19

If you believe in prayer, please pray for our family. If you're not a praying person, stick with me and watch what happens. God's about to do a new thing and transform the people I love most.

I have to think that. 

I have to believe it.

It's the only way I can handle change.

Grown Up Babies

Most days I think my blogging days are over. I'm really out of things to say and after all, even the best stories can only be repeated so many times.

But then,

There comes a day when you follow a u-haul trailer across a state line and watch your oldest unpack in what is now his own place. You fight back tears as you hang his clothes in his new closet and place his favorite cereal bowls in his new cabinets and cover his fridge with stuff from your own fridge just so he'll feel at home. You sneak a family picture onto his dresser and watch as his dad gives him a Bible and wonder how in the world a kid can survive on so little in the kitchen cabinets.

So you find the local Wal-Mart and spend one hundred and sixty dollars of what you really can't spend just so he'll have a month's supply of ramen noodles and Totino pizzas. You buy him a broom and soap and a door mat. You think of things like ice cube trays and plastic pitchers and Country Time Lemonade. You put a brand new dish drain on the counter and fold a dish rag over the sink. You hang a curtain over the door window and make mental notes of how many other curtains he will need for the rest of the house.

When the sun sets and you know it's time to leave, you check the locks on his front door a dozen times and walk through each room taking just one more look. You wish you had brought a sleeping bag and a nightgown all the while knowing the next day would be just as hard. You stand on his driveway while his dad shakes his hand, commends him on becoming a man and being on his own, and prays a blessing over his home.

And you let the tears fall.

This whole parenting thing... we raise them up just to watch them leave and wonder where in the world the time went.

I wouldn't trade that time for all the ramen noodles in the world.

Singing With Travis Tritt

Tonight I had the unique pleasure of being sandwiched in a back seat between my two grown sons while the youngest rode shot gun with her daddy behind the wheel. As I sat in the middle trying not to squish my physically fit boys with my not-so-physically fit body, I couldn't help but think of all the years that have gone by. Driving down a curvy road with the windows down, the two up front bickered playfully (?) back and forth about the song selection until they finally settled on a tune. They turned it up and we sang it out and for a moment, all seemed right with the world. As the next song came on, I looked at one boy who can never ride for long without falling asleep, thought about another boy who will be leaving home in a couple of weeks, and couldn't help but notice the smile on a girl's face because she had the front seat.

I'd chalk that up to a great day.