You May Not Think This Is Pretty, But I Sure Feel Better

May I ramble on for a bit?

...and if you know me in the real-life-kind-of-way, please don't bother making a mental note to ask me tonight or tomorrow or the next day what in the world this is all about...

Just let me ramble.

~*~*~Sheesh.  I've already deleted what I thought I wanted to write at least three times.~*~*

Let me try a different tactic.

My weekend was awesome. I love rainy days and March Madness and a husband who likes to look at shoes. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much about this modern world or pop culture or what irks nineteen-year old boys, but I do know what I like (emphasis on the I).

And maybe I just now understood what it is I want to write.

Boy, this is gonna be selfish. Brace yourself.

I did not incur a massive student loan debt to please other people. Crazy, but true. I knew exactly what I was doing. I started out seeking a degree in elementary education when I mentioned to my husband about one semester in, "You know, I really don't want to do this psycho-questioning-how-a-state-thinks-you-ought-to-teach madness for four years."

"So do what you love," the man of the house answered back.

"I love to teach."  "So what do you love to teach?"  "History."  "So teach history."

I listened. I prayed. End of my life-changing discussion.

Off toward a history degree I went. That diploma now hangs on my wall. A job (in that field) is yet to be found.

How can that be?

How can I have such a burning desire to teach history, to talk about history, to do anything that has to do with history, and still be sitting here bemoaning the fact that as of right now, that diploma is absolutely useless to me?

Well, unless you count the fact that it was a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT...

Anyway.

I am frustrated.

But I'm still proud.

I have mentioned before (on this blog) that graduating college is on my list of  25 Things To Do Before I Die. Apparently I should have added a number twenty-six: Gain employment that actually uses said degree.

I'm somewhat sorry you've been subjected to this ramble, especially if you were looking for something uplifting or comical. You might want to check out some of the other blogs listed on my page for content a little less me-related.

Lord, can I move back home yet? Just take me back ten years and let's go at this thing from another angle.

Seriously.

I am so not getting this plan of Yours.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord.*

And there He goes again, reminding me of whose life this is anyhow.

Not mine. All His. Wait I will. I love when it He talks me out of my whining.

(Just please don't let Kansas make it to the Final Four. Please?)

And Amen.

*Isaiah 55:8-9

Timing IS Everything

Time (noun): A particular period or part of duration; a proper season; an opportunity.*

The Book of Esther in the Old Testament contains one of my favorite stories and one of my favorite people. What's not to love about a good Jewish girl who wins the ultimate of beauty contests? So what if the grand prize was a rather moody, fickle, and conceited man (my opinion only)... her testament of courage and faith outshines the infamous golden scepter of the king. I also admire the get-to-the-point kinda guy her Uncle Mordecai was:

Do not flatter yourself that you shall escape the king's palace any more than all the other Jews, chapter four and verse thirteen.**  In other words, Get over yourself, Esther (purely my translation).

Continuing on with verse fourteen: For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from elsewhere, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows but that you have come the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?

I go back to this story a lot because I think it's a great example of God's timing and plan. Just this afternoon I was thinking about some things that I shouldn't be thinking about (shocking, I know) and I decided the best way to readjust my way of thinking would be the Word of God. As I read through some of my favorites, my path crossed Esther more than once. I eventually closed my Bible and continued on with my day.

Coffee. Nap. Cats. Kids. Husband.

And that's when the issue of time came up.

Time as in,

We have to wait that long?
What are we gonna do 'till then?
But that's not part of our plan!

In the midst of the rising panic within me, however, a still and quiet voice spoke to my heart:

Have I let you down yet?

I kid you not when I say that in that very moment, the sweetest sense of peace rushed through my mind, my body, my spirit. The calm that took place was so immediate that I had to sit down, take a deep breath, and once again raise my white flag of surrender. Even so, I still can't make sense of this whole timing thing. On the outside, this latest setback is the last thing we need. But on the inside...

On the inside I know that I know without a shadow of a doubt one thing to be certain:
He has not let me down. His timing is everything. There is a proper season.
And He knew I would need to be reminded of Esther earlier today.


Thanks for the head's up. =)



*   Definition courtesy of my beloved 1892 Webster's High School Dictionary.
** Scripture Verses taken from my beloved duct-taped and well-worn Amplified Bible.

OMG!!! You're Not Going To Believe This!!!

And so it would seem that I have to yet another fork in the road.  I'm asking all you prayer warriors out there to pray for direction and the way the Lord would lead.

I wrote the above words on Saturday as a facebook status. I kind of go in phases with facebook; sometimes I update a lot, sometimes I update hardly ever. I’m not the kind of status person that hopes to get a zillion and one comments wondering if I am okay.

Example:

If that ever happens again, I think I might die!!!

Great news today!!!

OMG!!! You’ll never guess what’s going on!!!

And so forth and on and on. If you’re not on facebook, you have no idea what I am talking about. If you are a frequent flyer, than you know all too well (and sorry in advance if one of the above is your most recent post. I promise I have not even been on there yet today except to copy and paste the opening statement, but... I do confess to shamelessly using the title of this post to grab your attention).

Anyway.

There are times when I reach out in the few ways I know how for some extra support. I’ve been struggling with some stuff… you name it… job searches, money woes, and general why am I even here type stuff. Depending on what day you catch me, I might be full of hope and cleaning supplies or full of despair and used kleenexes.

I came to that fork in the road last week. It was as clear before me just as if I was standing in the middle of a backwoods dusty road. I needed to make a decision or my indecision was going to drown me standing up. You ever been there? It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I would rather be moving in a solid direction than willingly give into the quicksand that threatens to squeeze the life out of me.

So I asked for prayer. I prayed. God moved. Well, technically, He moved me. No lightning bolts. No thunderous voice. Just a gentle, gentle push in my spirit that said, “This way.” So that way I went. I still don’t have a clue what lies along this way. Maybe it’s about a job. Maybe it’s about obedience. Maybe it’s about being prepared. I just hope it includes some kind of income.

Hey, I’m about as real as you can get.

After making my beginning steps this morning, I sat down to again search the scriptures. I wanted to find something that expressed how I am feeling; to be assured that I am not the only one with these up-and-down emotions. This chapter about said it all. I especially like how it came from David when he was hiding out in a cave.

Jesus. Son of David. Have mercy on me.

Psalm 142 Amplified Bible

A skillful song, or a didactic or reflective poem, of David;

 when he was in the cave. A Prayer.

¹ I cry to the Lord with my voice; with my voice to the Lord do I make supplication.

² I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell before Him my trouble.

³ When my spirit was overwhelmed and fainted [throwing all its weight] upon me, then You knew my path. In the way where I walk they have hidden a snare for me.

⁴ Look on the right hand [the point of attack] and see; for there is no man who knows me [to appear for me]. Refuge has failed me and I have no way to flee; no man cares for my life or my welfare.

⁵ I cried to You, O Lord; I said, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.

⁶ Attend to my loud cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I.

⁷ Bring my life out of prison, that I may confess, praise, and give thanks to Your name; the righteous will surround me and crown themselves because of me, for You will deal bountifully with me.

What I've Got Isn't Part Of This Week's Mega Millions Jackpot

Today I cried.
In front of my kids.
Shamelessly.

This morning started off with such hope. I got a call to substitute teach, flew into high gear, and was headed out the door about the same time as the kids. The middle joked about how maybe we should have a group prayer. I said, "Go for it."

And go for it he did.

I don't know if many out there know the experience of having your almost sixteen-year old son place his hand on your shoulder and pray, but I am here to tell you, money can't buy that. He didn't quote scripture or use fancy words. He just spoke from his heart and about had my make-up ruined by the time he was done.

God only knows what would've happened if he hadn't said that prayer.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because that wouldn't do anybody any good, but all I could hear in my head the entire day were the words of a very wise preacher, "When the kids are out of control, they are in control," and out of control they were.

Enough said.

Except for one thing.

I came home and told the kids about my day. We reminisced about my early years of teaching and how things use to be. They told me some of their own stories from their public school experiences (only a few years into it) and gave me some solid, sound advice. I don't always listen, but I recognize wisdom when I hear it. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I cried.

They offered kleenex.
They sat silent.
They understood.

The rich can keep their riches.

I've got plenty.

Blessed are those who fear the LORD,

   who find great delight in his commands.

 Their children will be mighty in the land; 

   the generation of the upright will be blessed.

 Wealth and riches are in their houses, 

   and their righteousness endures forever.

 Psalm 112:1-3

A Proverbs A Day

Proverbs 16:6:  By mercy and love, truth and fidelity (to God and man- not by sacrificial offerings), inquity is purged out of the heart, and by the reverent, worshipful fear of the Lord men depart from and avoid evil. 

Sometimes I think I can get away with something or it's not that big of deal or the Lord won't mind. I go through with whatever it is thinking that way and go to bed still thinking that way. In other words, I lie to myself and/or listen to the author of lies and do a pretty darn good job convincing myself that I know what I'm doing. Then I wake up and He is there.

Gentle.
Caring.
Questioning.

Do you really think this is gonna work?

Now we're not talking anything major here, at least not by the world's standards. No murder. No adultery. No thievery taking place. Just a mind game of sorts. Things I want to read. Things I'd like to watch. Things that will choke His presence out if I give it half a chance. Things that bother me and yet tempt me all at the same time.

I sat down to read my Bible this morning even though I didn't want to, and I didn't want to because I knew as soon as I did I would have to give up something I just paid ten bucks for. Look, we all have our convictions, right? No matter who agrees with whom or who thinks the other person is a little over the top, we all have things that bother us on a sub-conscious level... within our spirit, I guess you could say. My convictions won't necessarily agree with yours. I suppose it all depends on who we are and where we are and how we got there.

Anyway, I read a few verses and even as I was reading, the Lord was dealing with me. I laughed to myself as I made a mental decision and I'm certain He was laughing along with me. I got up to put a physical action to that decision and felt a weight lifted from within me. That was that. Sometimes you just know you have to act quickly because if you don't, that weight can become harder and harder to cast off. At least that's how it is with me, but then again, I am anything but normal.

I am me.

And He's good with that.



Short And To The Point

Today I was reminded of a scripture that I had forgotten about.

Look around you and see! 

And be astonished! Astounded! 

For I am putting into effect a work in your days such that

 you would not believe it if it were told you.

*Habakkuk 1:5*

Some days we just need those reminders, don't we?

Welcome To Story Hour

While reading my bible this morning, a particular phrase caught my eye.

They asked him, Who is the Man Who told you, Pick up your bed and walk? Now the invalid who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had quietly gone away [had passed on unnoticed], since there was a crowd in the place. (John 5:12-13).

Did you catch it?

The story goes that there was a man who "suffered... a deep-seated and lingering disorder for thirty-eight years," (v. 5). Every day he hung out by the pool of Bethesda in Jerusalem hoping to be one of the lucky ones to make it to the water first when an angel of the Lord would stir things up... this meant a for-sure kind of healing (v. 2-4). Jesus walked by him one day, noticed him there, and (after listening to the guy explain why he could never make it the water first) told him to get up, roll up his bed, and walk. Not surprisingly, the man did just that (v. 6-9).

He goes on to tell others what happened. In verse 10, he is admonished for having the nerve to be healed on the Sabbath: It is the Sabbath, and you have no right to pick up your bed. He, in turn, tells them he was only doing what he was told to do. The Man Who healed me and gave me back my strength, He Himself said to me, Pick up your bed and walk! (v. 11). Now the kicker is that this guy had no idea that Jesus was... well, Jesus. When they (the nosy, self-righteous men) asked him who told him to get up and walk, the guy was clueless.

That takes me back to my original thought.

They asked him, Who is the Man Who told you, Pick up your bed and walk? Now the invalid who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had quietly gone away [had passed on unnoticed], since there was a crowd in the place. (John 5:12-13).

According to the scriptures, this particular pool was a pretty crowded place. I guess it would be with all the sick and lame and blind gathered together with the hopes of experiencing a healing that would transform their lives. It just caught my attention. Made me reread it a couple of times and break out the pen to underline it and think on it some more.

Jesus passed on unnoticed.
In the midst of a hurting crowd.
The miraculous occurred.

No spot lights. No praise band. No three-point outlines or tape table by the front door.

Oops. Maybe I'm getting a little off track here. The point is, my point is... have I ever been in the midst of something and totally missed Him in my presence? Has He been right there and I walked on by expecting Him to be somewhere else? These are the things I think. Whatever His reason was for keeping things quiet that day, He sure ticked the people off about the whole Sabbath day-thing. People do have a tendency to get caught up in the rules and regulations and proper ways to do things, don't they?

Yeah. I may have lost half of you by now.
I just don't want to miss Him, that's all.
My miracle is at hand.