Finding The Happy

If I have to put a For Sale sign in our front yard at this point, I think I might scream. Three years ago, I would have been jumping with excitement. Two years ago, I would have been on my knees thanking the Lord. Even one year ago, I would have been happily ignoring the protests of my kids and been on the street myself handing out flyers. But now? Just the thought of it gives me an instant headache.

And no offense to my family and friends back home either. I'm simply not up to going through all that again. The thought of packing makes me cringe. The sheer image of a moving truck with its bottomless gas tank makes me cry. The idea of starting over again somewhere else makes me want to run away (and we all know that includes a rental bike shop on the Atlantic coast). There just seems to be nowhere to hide.

This unemployment thing sucks. I hate the uncertainty of it all. Yes, we're fine for now, but I'm a person who likes to plan ahead. I need to plan ahead and know that everything will work out just fine. Funny how that has never been as important to the Lord as it is to me. I suppose it's like we tell our own kids: You don't need to worry about it. Daddy has it all under control. Easily spoken words, huh?

The oldest is on his own job search and I'm glad to see him doing it. Not because I expect him to help us out (although the boy would give us his last dime if we asked for it), but because I know he'll need his own stash to do things that every seventeen-year old boy wants to do... drive his truck, take his girlfriend out to dinner, buy his mom a Starbucks. He is so happy most of the time. I want him to stay that way.

I knew today's mood swing was coming. When I sat down to pay a few more bills to take us (almost) through to the end of the month, the dread started gnawing away at me and I feel silly for going down this road. My husband has more than taken care of us. Like he told his former employer when they gave him the pink slip, I may not be good with math, but I am good with money. He does plan ahead.

It's just that ole not knowing creeping in. I'm back to checking job boards a gazillion times a day and I know better than to be doing that. A person can really only do so much. Attitude is everything, I suppose. That and prayer. I have the mind of Christ and hold the thoughts, feelings, and purposes of His heart (1 Cor. 2:16). I am a believer and not a doubter. And chocolate helps, too.

Are things all that bad? Not really. The mind can be a powerful ally, though, or our own worst enemy. The husband is out doing all he can, the boy has spent at least thirty minutes on a Subway application, and it's time I close down the pity party. There's too many good things going on my life to be consumed by the negative (you did catch the new baby post yesterday, right?). You can't go wrong with that.

Besides, if I take any more Excedrin, I might be considered an addict.

God Himself has said,

I will never leave you without support or forsake you or let you down.

I will not, I will not, I will not (yes, this really is repeated THREE times)

in any degree leave you helpless or relax my hold on you... assuredly not!

Hebrews 13:5, Amplified