A Disclaimer May Be Necessary: Blame The Coffee If It Helps

If my life were really a book, I think I would have closed it up by now. You can only repeat the same thing so many times before it becomes so predictable that it makes even me weary. The things maybe worth mentioning I don't mention because I've got too many people who really know me and love me that read this. (Okay, technically like maybe TWO people that I know of for sure family-wise, but you get the idea). No need upsetting the fans.

And that was a joke.
A lame one maybe, but I'm running on fumes here.

Even if I wanted to put into words what is in my heart right now, I don't think I could. Defeat is a hard emotion to express. Needless to say, I had one of the worst experiences of my adult life last night and all I could see was a flashback to a naive nineteen-year old girl who didn't know how to just walk away. I still don't know how to do that. I may never learn. My biggest problem has always been digging my nails in too tight and holding on for dear life. I seriously don't know how to let go, and somehow I always end up being the one hurt.

Don't they make a pill for this? Something I could just take to muffle the noise? I don't want to shut down; I just want to step back. I have no problem with being part of the background, but for some reason, I'm always trying to make it to center stage. How's that for making sense? Didn't Paul say something like that? Something along the lines of I know what to do and what I should do but I end up doing everything opposite? I don't know if it's pride or stubborness or just plain bad timing. What I do know is that my stomach feels sick and my eyes won't stop watering and this coffee is too darn weak.

I'm gonna push my re-start button today if I can find it. Hopefully it's still in operating order. One thing is for sure... if you have learned anything about me, my house will be spotless by the end of the day. I may not have a pill to take, but I've got enough furniture polish to see me through yet another crisis. We all have our ways to cope. Mine just happens to include a vacuum and about twenty dust rags.

And coffee.
I definitely need a better cup of coffee.

 

 

For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh.

 I can will what is right,  but I cannot perform it.

[I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.] 

 

For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do,

 but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.

 

Romans 7: 18-19, Amplified