Five Minutes Late

Do you ever wake up in the morning with that feeling that something is just not right? That feeling that there is just something about this day, but you can't quite grasp what that something is?

I had one of those feelings today and I'm sorry to say that once I figured it out, a few curse words formed in my mind. Not the big ones, mind you, just the ones that pop into your head when you stub your big toe or burn your finger.

In other words, when something causes you instant pain and you fight back tears.

Darn it all to h-e-double-hockey-stick.

Three years ago this morning I got a call from my mom telling me if we were coming home we better get there. I spent the whole day crying and packing for the family while making extended lesson plans for my sixth grade class from my home phone. When my husband got home from work late that afternoon, I had the kids waiting on the front porch with suitcases in hand. He drove all night and he drove fast. He took a fifteen hour drive and made it into thirteen. He held my hand while a little girl whimpered in the back.

And then he apologized like crazy later.

We didn't make it.

Five minutes late.
Five minutes.
Five stinking minutes.

I am sorry, but you have no idea how many times I shook my fist at God for this. How many times I asked Him why He couldn't have waited just five minutes to take her home. How many times I have replayed that hospital scene in my head.... so glad to have arrived. So happy to see everyone. We could see her in her bed.

And then realizing that everyone was crying. Uncles had their heads in their hands. Aunts were doubled over, turned away towards the window. My mom hugging me and telling me she was gone.

Boy, that makes me mad all over again.

Five minutes.

Her body was still warm, she just wasn't there anymore. To the day I die, I will never forget standing there holding her hand telling her we tried to get there in time. It just seemed as if time stood still.

I made peace with it all later, I suppose, and with Him. I remembered her the way she was just a few weeks earlier as she sat in the Carolina sun on my front porch. I guess that's how He wanted it to be. It wasn't about me anyway. He probably couldn't have held her back any longer. One day, I'll be the same way.

I sure do love you and miss you, Grandma. I was five minutes late, but you were right on time.

Home with the Lord, January 18, 2008