Learning To Live

The only problem with being home is the reminder that a whole other life remains hundreds of miles away. The only problem with looking at old pictures is being reminded of the ones who are no longer with us.

I was determined to breathe each moment of this visit...

Holding baby. The next time I see her she may be too busy to be held.
Visiting family. There's nothing like being in the same room with my brother.
                       Or listening to my dad sing every kind of song.
                       And looking across a snow-covered pond.
                       Even drying dishes for mom.

Those are the good things. The rough times come when we drive by houses whose owners are no longer there. I suppose I shouldn't say rough, but just stark reminders how things have changed. My grandma's house is no longer my grandma's. One particular graveside I visited still has a mound of fresh dirt. Our old house just looks sad. So much is different, and yet nothing has changed. Life is funny like that.

I thought about other families tonight that have lost their loved ones, especially the young. As I loaded down our kids' stockings with candy canes and marshmallow santas, I thought about empty stockings that are tucked away in dusty attics because the memory of past holidays is too much to bear. I look at my oldest with his new electric guitar, and the middle with his pocket full of money, and the youngest with her make-up and perfume... and I am reminded what a blessing it is to have those noisy, arguing, and sometimes ungrateful children around. I watched young parents prepare endless bottles and change dirty diapers and thought about what lies ahead for them. I wondered what my dad was thinking as he watched his family unwrap presents. You just never know what the next holiday might bring.

That's why I'm hanging on to every moment. Not out of a doomsday state of mind, just the reality of knowing that life has a way of moving on whether we are ready or not. Maybe that's why I filled those stockings tonight and why I had so much trouble leaving Aunt Patty's earlier today. There were so many simple, family traditions that I once took for granted.

I'll not make that mistake again.